


One Man's Darkness is Another Man's Light

by notaverse



Series: Transjinder [9]
Category: Johnny's Entertainment, KAT-TUN (Band)
Genre: Blindfolds, Dubious Consent, M/M, Roleplay, Transgender, uke!Jin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-15
Updated: 2011-10-15
Packaged: 2017-10-24 15:48:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/265229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notaverse/pseuds/notaverse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jin and Kame try to spend some quality time together for the first time since Christmas, but Kame's drama causes them more than just scheduling problems.</p>
            </blockquote>





	One Man's Darkness is Another Man's Light

**Author's Note:**

> **Title:** One Man's Darkness is Another Man's Light  
>  **Fandom:** KAT-TUN  
>  **Pairing:** Kame x Jin  
>  **Rating:** R  
>  **Genre:** Kind of AU  
>  **Disclaimer:** Not mine, damnit  
>  **Warnings:** Consent issues, blindfold, roleplay
> 
>  **A/N:** As you can see, warnings on this one as the series goes in a slightly darker direction for a bit. Let's just say Kame takes his work very, very seriously. Many thanks to threewalls for the handholding.

It's 2012 before Kame knows it, one year closer to Jin's yellow gold future. They don't have a chance to exchange more than a few mails before the year turns, not when Kame's filming schedule and rehearsals for Countdown combine to render him incapable of anything more than the most basic actions required for survival. He manages to phone Jin before Countdown starts, because Jin's not going to be there and Kame's not sure if it's because he doesn't want to be or isn't allowed to be, but they're all planning on going out afterwards for the first shrine visit of the new year and it would be nice if Jin could join them.

To Kame's surprise, Jin's mum answers his phone to explain that her eldest son is currently buried under a mountain of blankets and small, fluffy dogs, and not likely to manage movement unless the house catches fire. She doesn't mention illness, which makes Kame suspect a hangover. He leaves a message with their plans, just in case Jin wakes up in time, but realistically, if Jin doesn't sleep straight through he's more likely to meet up with his non-Johnny's friends.

That's okay; Kame doesn't mind. They've already done Christmas - have to save some clichés for next year, after all.

Assuming there's a next year. Kame's having to make a lot of assumptions, the most significant being that he and Jin are actually together. Jin hasn't said anything further on the subject since their return from Kobe, save a brief mention of jealousy in a mail, and Kame figures he wouldn't even be teasing about that if they weren't... Or maybe he would, because Jin's always been like that, for as long as Kame's known him.

Countdowns aren't as much fun as they used to be, with everyone split over different locations, but they still manage to enjoy themselves singing senpai songs and politely pretending not to notice how drunk the members of TOKIO are before the show even starts.

KAT-TUN perform 'Behind the Light' in black and silver, Kame with his hair tied back in Nishikawa's little ponytail till he shakes it out to make the audience scream. He and Koki are the only ones with enough hair to do that at the moment, as Ueda's is still growing back after his prison drama, Nakamaru has vowed never to let his hair grow long enough for that again, and Junno is currently sporting a look more commonly seen on Korean pop stars.

Jin has enough, of course. Kame used to find it amusing, how someone so set on being seen as a cool, manly guy, always wanted to keep his hair so long. He understands why, now, and really, short hair doesn't do Jin any favours. Part of it, Kame's sure, is that Jin likes having it long enough to tie back in a ponytail so he doesn't have to do anything with it. Idol hair can be so high-maintenance.

Not unexpectedly a message from Jin never comes, and Kame greets the new year without him. Despite being up all night he's not tired when the first sun of 2012 rises. He watches it from his balcony, with Ran curled around his neck and Jeri in his arms, and wonders if Jin's still buried under a layer of blankets and dogs.

The third episode of _Split_ airs the second day of the new year. Kame catches a few minutes of it, watches himself steal a set of priceless carved wooden bangles and give the camera the kind of smile usually seen on serial killers. It's a little creepy; he hopes his niece isn't watching.

By the time the fourth episode airs, he and Jin have managed to find a free couple of hours in which to see each other. For once it's not his schedule that's the problem but Jin's, as he's appearing in the PV for RIZE's new single. It's unorthodox, to say the least, and not quite the image Jin's going for, but he owes Kaneko one for 'Paparats' and the agency has grudgingly agreed that it would be good exposure.

"We didn't finish till after midnight," Jin says through a mouthful of noodles. It's ten at night now, and they're holed up in a tiny udon place in Roppongi, hoping no one will find them between the manga café on the one side and the adult movie store on the other. "I'm playing a singer."

"How novel," Kame says dryly. "How on earth did they come up with that idea?"

Jin kicks him under the table. It doesn't take much; they have next to no legroom anyway. "A singer in a wheelchair, who has all these big dreams about the PVs he'd like to make, and the kind of concerts he'd like to do, if he hadn't broken his back. You get to see all the dreams, too."

"No wonder it took so long to film."

"Uh..." Jin smiles, a trifle embarrassed, and lets a piece of onion slip through his chopsticks. "I had a bit of trouble steering the wheelchair; it took a while for me to get the hang of it. There's a cameraman out there who's lucky to still have all his toes."

Kame comes _this_ close to spraying broth all over them both.

It's not an ideal "first date"; it's pouring with rain outside, the restaurant is cramped enough that the people at the next table are practically sitting on their laps, and Kame's so exhausted he'd actually contemplated turning down Jin's suggestion of grabbing a quick dinner in favour of a few extra hours of sleep.

But there's no telling when they'll next have time even for a meal, so Kame doses himself up with coffee and cold, clear water and hopes he doesn't fall asleep in his food.

He's not terribly successful.

"Sorry," Jin says after Kame shakes himself awake for the twentieth time. "This was a bad idea, wasn't it? I just wanted to make sure you were getting enough food - I guess I should've been more concerned with you getting enough sleep."

Kame gives him a tired smile and leans forward to limit the risk of being overheard. "It's okay, really. I...I was hoping to see you sometime this month. Tonight's as good a time as any."

It's always the same when he's filming a drama. He's got _Split_ , _Going!_ and his radio show alone, the usual photoshoots, interviews, and a weekly TV show with the rest of KAT-TUN. Something has to go, and that something is usually sleep. It's a good thing Nishikawa's supposed to look increasingly haggard over the course of the series, and Kage is always filmed in dim light.

He can't do what he'd like to do, which is lean further still, rest his head on Jin's shoulder and take a nap, so he settles for rubbing their ankles together under the table. He can tell when Jin notices because his eyes begin to gleam. Too bad he doesn't have the energy to follow up on it, and even if he did, he's got an early start next morning.

Jin understands that too, because when they're done eating, he bundles Kame into a taxi and sends him home without so much as suggesting that they go somewhere else.

It's another couple of weeks before they see each other again. Kame has a million other things to do with his Sunday and manages to get them all done before Jin emerges from his family dinner and asks if he has any time. There's nothing overtly weird about the mail but Kame has his suspicions anyway, and when he reaches Jin's apartment and finds him scrubbing away lipstick, those suspicions are confirmed.

"Good meal?" Kame asks, perching on the edge of the bathtub while Jin attacks his face in the mirror.

"Great food." Jin throws another used wipe in the bin. "My mum's cooking is the best."

"So I remember."

Jin's a little less savage when it comes to wiping away his eye make-up, if only so he doesn't blind himself. His face is red by the time he's done and Kame's not sure how to ease his embarrassment. It's obvious things didn't go smoothly at dinner - does Jin want him to ask? He can't tell.

Eventually Jin throws him out the bathroom for a couple of minutes, emerging with hair slightly damp around his face and water stains on his plain grey T-shirt.

"Are you sure you want company?" Kame says. "I can go-"

"Don't." Jin sinks down on the couch, pulling his knees up to his chest. Mickey Mouse socks peek out from beneath the hems of his worn, comfortable jeans. "I need to be around someone who's not going to stare at me for wearing lipstick."

Kame joins him, debating internally about whether or not it's okay to wrap an arm around Jin's shoulders. It's probably safe, he decides, and Jin looks like he could use the comfort. "Aren't your family used to seeing you in make-up?"

"Yeah, but not when I'm not at work." Jin snuggles up against Kame's side. "Nobody said anything, but..."

"Were you dressed like this?"

"Yeah."

If Jin were a rabbit, he'd be burrowing right into Kame's ribs about now. Kame pets him anyway, stroking his hair while he seethes in silence, as if troubles can be smoothed away as easily as tangles. It still feels weird to be doing this so casually. They've not touched much since Kobe. The readiness with which Jin accepts him warms Kame inside, kindling a small fire just waiting for any excuse to ignite.

"I think Dad finally believes me," Jin says at last. "He said he's fine with it, that it's not a problem, but I don't think it really hit him until tonight."

Kame likes Jin's wacky family. He still gets odd, random mails from them every so often, in a mix of languages, with strange photographs attached. The Akanishi household has always been filled with love and laughter, arms open to all.

"I'm sure he means it when he says it's not a problem. He just needs a little time to get used to it."

"I was there for three hours," Jin mumbles. "Think that's long enough?" Kame massages the back of his neck in response, and he continues, "The funny thing is I'd actually gone straight from work, that's why I was made up in the first place. I changed back into my own clothes before I left but I was running late, so I didn't take the make-up off."

That explains the contrast between clothing and cosmetics, anyway. Kame can't comment, not when he's been keeping secrets from his family too, but short of showing up at his parents' house hand-in-hand with Jin (which he's done before, as a teenager, but for different reasons), he can't replicate the situation. He'd like to tell them, sometime, but he'd like to know _what_ to tell them, and for that, he needs something more from Jin than being "friends with benefits".

Not that they've had time for the "benefits", which Kame is painfully aware of when he's got enough energy to care. He throws so much of himself into work, he's normally drained enough not to notice, but when work eases up...

"I kept catching him looking at me," Jin says, seemingly oblivious to the way Kame's squirming to bring them closer together. "Not, like, disgusted or anything, just curious."

"Maybe your dad's got questions?"

" _I've_ still got questions," Jin says. "I wish he'd just ask. I'm embarrassed enough as it is."

"They're your family. They've seen you embarrassed plenty of times."

Jin grins. "They've been the cause, plenty of times."

"I'm sure they can say the same about you. That's what families are for."

"Come with me next time. Then they can quiz you instead."

"Oh no." Kame shakes his head. "As much as I like your family, I don't fancy letting them give me the third degree.

"Besides, I can't tell them what you're feeling, or why. That's for you to do."

Jin grumbles but can't deny it, though he does point out that he's not exactly sure of the 'why' himself.

"It doesn't matter why," Kame says. "You're here: that's the important part."

"This is my home - where else would I be?"

That's not what Kame was getting at, but it doesn't matter, and if Jin's looking for someone he can whinge at, well, Kame can be that person. He is, after all, the best candidate for the job. He'll get his own back when the drama finishes and he can deconstruct the entire experience over drinks - no names mentioned, of course, but he's got a few horror stories to tell that weren't in the script.

He's also got a few suggestions for good places for Jin to be - his lap being one of them - but it doesn't look like Jin's in the mood, much to Kame's disappointment. The signals are either being misread or ignored completely, and he can't get much more blatant than the hand he's got on Jin's thigh.

It's probably for the best. He doesn't want to push, and there's no rush.

Jin does things in his own time, which turns out to be about two in the morning after a night of curling up with Johnny Depp movies turns into an invitation for Kame to stay over - and later, an invitation for something else, shyly offered when Kame's about to give up and go to sleep. Jin has cute puppy pyjamas, Kame discovers. They're going to need a wash now.

Maybe Jin prefers it in the dark, Kame doesn't know. Maybe it's easier if he can't see he's not with a girl, though it's not a pretence he could maintain for long, not with Kame grinding against him. Jin moves with less restraint than before, some of his hesitance gone, and Kame likes that too, that he seems sure about this.

They still can't see each other but Kame won't be the first to switch on the light. If he does, maybe Jin will vanish, like midnight's fairy by morning's light. It's a silly, fanciful thought but he has a lot of those about Jin - has done ever since they were Juniors together and Jin, with his eyes set on the stars, seemed like the eighth wonder of the world.

His invitation is nothing more elaborate than a whisper, a few murmured words while he draws Kame near enough to hold him, a cat rubbing up against the furniture. It's not the kind of invitation Kame's ever going to turn down, not from Jin, and this works well enough for them, half-dressed fumbles in the dark, skin growing slick as they slip and slide together towards completion. They steal kisses between frantic breaths and Kame thinks that right now, it doesn't matter if he's not getting enough oxygen because if he's going to die young, this isn't such a bad way to go.

Afterwards Kame makes a half-hearted attempt at cleaning them up, because his inner neatfreak is screaming at him, but it's too late for the sheets, the tissue-box by Jin's bed is almost empty and he doesn't feel inclined to switch on the lights to hunt for a replacement. Next time, he'll bring wetwipes.

In the morning Kame scrambles to get home in time so he doesn't have to show up at the set in yesterday's clothes. Not that anyone will know, but he prefers to feel clean and fresh, ready to start a new week. Jin's still half-asleep when Kame leaves, but he wakes up enough to mumble, "I could get used to this," when Kame leans down to kiss him goodbye.

"That makes two of us," Kame says, ruffling Jin's messy bed-hair once before dragging himself away. It's too tempting just to get back under the covers and spend the morning lazing around in the warmth. Jin is bad for his work ethic.

\-----

Jin likes that Kame doesn't mind if he's hesitant, if he doesn't rush straight ahead with only one thing on his mind. Part of it's down to not having been with guys before - he thinks maybe it should be easier, since they've got the same equipment, but what feels good for him might not feel good for Kame, and he wants it to be good for Kame. Wants it to be _amazing_ for Kame, because after all these years he's probably built up a lot of anticipation and the competitive nature they share means Jin refuses to be a disappointment.

The other part of it...well. That's the part that usually ends up sabotaging his relationships with girls. He'd rather be touched than touch: doesn't mind touching, once he's comfortable, but till that point he's not sure where to put his hands, what to do with his tongue. Oh, he knows how to please a woman - has done so successfully in the past - but what pleases him is a little different. He's biologically male, after all, and that's something he can't get around.

They can figure it out together, he and Kame. They managed okay in Kobe, clutching each other in the dark hotel room, early on Christmas morning. It's the new year now and Jin wants to try it again in the light, wants to see the expression on Kame's face when he's turned on for real, not just for the cameras.

He finally gets to see it on Kame's couch, where a thinly-disguised run-through of Kame's lines for tomorrow turns into the make-out session they both knew was coming.

"I think you're sitting on my script," Kame mumbles when they come up for air.

Jin shifts to the left, hears the telltale crinkle of paper. "Forget about it. You're word-perfect already."

"Only on Kage's lines. I still need to work on Nishikawa's."

"Who?" It takes Jin a minute to remember Kame's playing dual roles this time around. He still hasn't managed to catch a full episode of the show, but he's pretty sure Kame's doing a good job. He's Kamenashi Kazuya - it would kill him to do otherwise. "Oh, the cop. Do you have to do that _now_?"

"Some time before morning would be nice." Kame plants a kiss just next to Jin's ear. "There's only one scene I haven't got down yet, between Nishikawa and Tamai. Guess who you get to be?"

"The one who looks hot in leather?"

"And I don't?" The next kiss has teeth, a gentle nip of the sensitive skin along Jin's throat, and it makes him shudder.

"Oh, _you_ do, but that Nishikawa's kind of a dork..."

Kame laughs, warm puffs of air against Jin's neck, and gropes around the couch cushions - and Jin, who is considerably more responsive than the furniture - until he finds his missing pages. They're a bit battered but he won't need them for much longer. That suits him just fine; the less he has to learn, the more time he can spend with Jin. They don't have many chances to get together at the moment and he'll take it wherever he can get it.

"Nishikawa's not quite the same guy he was at the start of the series," Kame says. "You'll see." He pushes the bundle of paper at Jin. "I've got a long black wig around here somewhere if you want to get into character."

"Why have you..." Jin shakes his head. "I don't want to know. I'll pass on the wig, thanks. They itch."

He hopes this won't take long. Kame's other hand has been resting on his hip for the last ten minutes, fingers idly toying with the belt loops on his cargo pants and every so often wandering up beneath his T-shirt, and he's starting to feel frustrated. Kame's hectic schedule means they see little enough of each other as it is; Jin feels like they're wasting time now - time they could be putting to better use. He doesn't want Kame to hold back on his account.

Kame detaches himself from Jin and turns so his back's to the couch arm and he can't see the script anymore. Reluctantly, Jin looks down at the first page. He's up first.

"You weren't bad out there today," he says, trying to sound flippant. "For a second, you almost looked cool."

Kame - no, _Nishikawa_ \- glares at him with such fury that Jin wonders if he's made a mistake, if he's started reading from the wrong page - or worse yet, he's reading Nishikawa's lines and not Tamai's. But his fears prove to be groundless when Kame snaps, "We almost had him. If only Satou-san hadn't insisted on going himself-"

"You couldn't have gone!" Jin snaps back. "I didn't even know where you were till Satou was lying on the ground with a knife in his chest, and suddenly you were there, trying to keep him alive!"

"Great job I did of it," Kame says bitterly. "It was Kage, I know it, and Satou-san saw him. He tried to tell me as he died. If I'd been there just a minute earlier..." He wipes imaginary blood from his hands, a souvenir of his doomed attempt to keep Satou from bleeding out. "He wasn't fast enough - wasn't young enough. I should've been the one walking into that shrine."

"Or me." Jin's sneering now. "But they wouldn't let a girl go in, even if she can kick their asses. All I could do was cover from the outside, without you there. So where were you, partner?"

Kame groans, which alarms Jin until he realises it's in the script. So far, Kame hasn't flubbed a single line. "I went back to the hospital. Dr. Watanabe wanted to talk to me about the blackouts again. I couldn't...I couldn't say anything in front of the others. If anyone finds out-"

"No one's going to find out." Jin makes a zipping gesture over his lips. "It's this case, that's what it is. You and I, we want this guy so bad we can barely sleep for thinking about it; cracks are bound to come out somewhere. After we nail Kage you'll be fine, I know it."

"Fine?" Kame laughs, the harsh sound scraping across Jin's eardrums leaving grooves in its wake. "A quarter of Shadow Unit died today - in my arms. The vase is still missing, Kage's still out there and I'm still losing hours of my life because according to you, I'm cracking under the strain of this case. Thanks, Tamai. Thanks so much for all your loving support."

The script calls for Tamai to take a swing at Nishikawa's jaw, because she's not a face-slapping kind of girl. Jin's not into domestic violence so he taps Kame's chin lightly with a closed fist, just for atmosphere; Kame breaks character for a moment and giggles, which makes it difficult for Jin to say his next lines seriously.

"You didn't kill Satou. I'm sorry the old man's dead but no one could've saved him, and if you hadn't managed to get there when you did, he wouldn't even have had the comfort of a familiar face in his final moments. We couldn't have got across there in time. You have to accept that!"

"But the hospital was right _there_ by the shrine," Kame says. "If I'd left five minutes earlier-"

"The knife would've been in your chest, not Satou's," Jin says. "We knew Kage was willing to kill. Now we know he's willing to kill a cop. Are we going to let him get away with that?"

"No." With a single word, Kame manages to lower the temperature in the room to below freezing. He meets Jin's gaze and holds it with a cold, fierce intensity that makes Jin glad he's not actually in this drama. The silence lingers on...

...And that's when he realises Kame has no clue what the final line is. He'd been doing so well, too.

"We take?" Jin prompts, and Kame quickly picks up the thread.

"We take care of our own."

The smile he gives Jin is Kage's, not Nishikawa's: teeth like knives, sharp enough to kill. The notes on the script say Tamai responds in kind, but when Jin does, it's less the smile of a co-conspirator and more that of someone who's just realised his boyfriend is kind of hot when he's dangerous. Kame really should've started playing villains years ago, Jin decides.

Then the shadow disappears, leaving Kamenashi Kazuya, anxious professional, trying to peek at the script without letting on that he's doing it. Jin deliberately curls it away so he can't see.

"Please tell me that was the end?"

"Don't break character," Jin says. "You've got another page to go. Don't tell me you've forgotten the rest of your lines?"

Kame's face freezes in horror until he realises Jin is only teasing. He steals the script back and hits Jin with the rolled-up pages until Jin puts up his hands and admits that Kame did pretty well, right up to the end.

"And you have a killer smile," Jin adds. "By which I mean I would totally take you seriously as a knife-wielding murderer."

"Kage's a thief," Kame says. "All the deaths are sort of incidental."

Not much comfort to the families of the victims, but true. Kame's been keeping count. Kage's never planned to kill anyone, mostly because it increases the risk of him being caught and because he can never guarantee when he's going to have control over the body he shares with Nishikawa Hikaru, but there have been a few occasions where he's had to do so to save himself. Museum guards, a shopkeeper with the misfortune to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, and finally one of the police officers assigned to his capture. The last thing Kage can afford is to have Shadow Unit discover his identity; had Satou not seen his face, the poor man might've survived till the end of the series.

Kame wonders, occasionally, if it's a bad thing to derive so much pleasure from playing a character like Kage. Kage's not perfect - could be, if he didn't have Nishikawa dragging him down - but that's what makes him intriguing to Kame. There's a constant state of flux - two characters in a single body, influencing each other with every second that passes - and Kame loves that he can vary his performance each time. He's not playing some cardboard cut-out hero, he's not playing an angsty romantic lead with parent issues. This is a role he can fly to the stars and back.

Nishikawa doesn't know about himself, yet. Kame doesn't know what's going to happen in the final few episodes but he's been told Tamai finds out first. It ought to be excruciating. Kame just hopes it doesn't end with a suicide. He wouldn't put it past Nishikawa to do the honourable thing and forcibly do away with his shadow self.

On the other hand, Nishikawa may have changed so much by the end that he's able to live with it. In which case, Tamai will be the loose end. Kame's looking forward to a few good showdowns between himself and Meisa. She's an old hand at making the sparks fly.

"This series isn't going to have a happy ending, is it?" Jin asks.

All Kame can do is shrug his shoulders. "Probably not. One of my characters thinks he's losing his edge right now, and the other one thinks he's losing his mind."

"Been there; done that."

Jin still sounds bitter, but Kame's fairly certain he doesn't believe he's going crazy anymore. He can understand why, though. It's hard to keep living day to day when you feel like an uninvited guest in your own body sometimes. Jin's not good at describing how he feels and Kame's not skilled enough to coax the words from him, but he's getting better at recognising when Jin's unsettled.

He just doesn't know how to fix it.

"Your mind is just fine where it is," he says, brushing aside bangs to plant a kiss right in the centre of Jin's forehead. "Not lost at all."

"Most days." It's all the agreement Jin's willing to give. It's true that he no longer feels like he's drowning; a strange, solitary creature being sucked down by a whirlpool of weirdness when he'd once sailed the seas of normality. If he ever feels himself slipping, Kame's right there to remind him he's not alone, not doing anything wrong. Jin can't even begin to put a value on that.

On the other hand, there are days when Jin's so at war with himself he can't talk to anyone about his feelings, not even Kame. He's learned to accept, now, that this is who he is, but acceptance doesn't make it any easier to deal with walking this tightrope.

"How about today?" Kame says, teasing. "Where's your mind today?"

Jin teases right back, more than willing to be lured away from the fringe. "On Nakamaru, of course. Don't you think he's become really good-looking this year?"

That earns him another whack with the script. "Oi, you're not supposed to be complimenting other men when you're snuggled up on my couch! Although..."

It alarms Jin when Kame trails off wih a speculative look. "You're not about to tell me you think he's gorgeous, are you? Because I was just kidding."

"I know," Kame says, "but I was wondering what you really think."

"About Nakamaru?"

"About men in general."

"Same as ever, I guess." Jin scratches his neck, suddenly awkward. He has an idea where this is going. Maybe Kame and Yamapi have been talking behind his back again.

Kame laughs and leans to the side so his head lies on Jin's shoulder. "Sorry; it was a stupid question."

"Not so stupid. I mean, if you'd told me a year ago we'd be making out on your couch, I'd have laughed at you."

"Yeah, about that..." The deep, dark velvet in Kame's voice tells Jin they're done reading lines for the night. "I'd probably have laughed too, but for different reasons.

"Or maybe the same one. It's got to be weirder for you than it is for me."

Jin's not so sure. "I think this is plenty strange for both of us."

"In my line of work I find it more strange when a man _isn't_ in make-up."

"I'm not talking about the make-up. It's...well...everything else."

"We'll figure it out." Kame speaks with such confidence, Jin can't help believing him. "Whatever you need from me, it's fine."

"Don't." Jin can't pull away because Kame's leaning on him, but he shudders and that makes Kame move anyway. "Don't make this all about what _I_ want, what _I_ need. I'm not your charity case, Kame."

"I know that, but-"

"I'm not convinced you do!" It surprises Jin, this small seed of resentment that has apparently been planted somewhere inside and is now blooming as he speaks. He's not _angry_ , exactly, but if he doesn't get this off his chest now, he never will, and then everything will be wrong between them. They've always worked so well together because they balance each other out, both striving for the same thing in opposite ways, and Jin doesn't want to lose that equality now. "You're allowed to think about yourself too, you know. You deserve to have what you want - I'm not some orphaned toddler, or a porcelain doll sitting on your shelf! You've spent so long convincing yourself I'm off-limits that half of you still believes it."

Kame sits up straighter, stares at Jin in disbelief. "I'm trying to be considerate, okay? This is new territory for me too."

"I've never seen you do anything with a challenge except meet it head-on. You can do the same this time."

"I'm trying!"

"Then stop trying to plan every single detail and let yourself go for once!"

Jin expects Kame to yell back at him, or maybe to stand up and deliver a lecture through clenched teeth. What he doesn't expect is to find himself flattened against the back of the couch, Kame's knees either side of his thighs, Kame's hands tangling in his hair to keep him still, Kame's strawberry-stained lips pressing against his own. He doesn't object, though; on the contrary, the heat that suddenly flares in his belly suggests he's quite enjoying himself.

"Better?" Kame asks, pulling back just enough that the two of them can see each other without going cross-eyed.

"Much better." Jin locks his arms around Kame's back, just in case there's any doubt, and says, "More."

"I thought I was supposed to be ignoring your needs?"

"Not when they match yours." Jin gasps, tries to catch a breath when Kame's fingers brush his collarbone. That's one need he definitely doesn't have. "Hey!"

"Sorry, sorry."

Kame's verbal apology pales in comparison with his physical one, which involves a lengthy exploration of every inch of exposed skin he can find, hands and mouth working together to map out those tiny hollows into which a curious tongue might dip, or those smooth, flat plains just begging to be marked. Jin's right, Kame thinks. He's not off-limits now. Kame doesn't have to watch his step, watch his every move for fear of giving himself away, the way he's had to do for years. He can touch freely now. Jin's offering this because he wants to, not because he thinks Kame's owed it, because he thinks this is payment for all the support and encouragement he's received. What can Kame do but graciously accept?

It's better with Jin, he thinks, even if it's complicated. He's been with men before who assume that because he's short and lightly built, he'll let them lead. Not many, because he's careful about his encounters, and most people who know him well enough to know his preferences also know how much he enjoys being in control in all aspects of his life, but enough that he's become adept in persuading them otherwise. It doesn't look like he'll have to do that with Jin, who encourages him with light, subtle touches; a nudge here or there when he wants something, nothing overt.

It's a while before Jin really warms up to it, with slow, languid responses that Kame could mistake for laziness if he didn't know better. The initial flash of urgency is gone now. Kame wriggles out of his flannel shirt, tempted to do the same with the T-shirt below before he passes out from the rising temperature. Jin's already flushed - but then, anyone would be, if they had Kame testing out dance moves on their lap.

"I think I know this routine," Jin says, giggling.

"You should; it's one of yours." Kame hums a few bars of 'Pinky'.

"Now all I need is Koki in a skirt and high heels." Jin pulls a face. "Or maybe not. I think he'd ruin the mood."

"Would I be an acceptable substitute?"

"Huh?"

It takes Jin a moment to realise what Kame's getting at; the penny doesn't drop until Kame slides off the couch and grins up at him from the floor, one hand on each of Jin's knees. This is new: not to Jin, nor to Kame, but to the two of them together.

Jin swallows thickly, wondering what might have happened between them on the stage if it had been Kame in the skirt and wig. "Yeah...I think you'll do."

\-----

Kame's mouth proves to be no less skilled than his hands, not that Jin ever doubted it, and it's not so weird to think he's with a guy when it's Kame's eyes sparkling up at him from beneath dark, tousled bangs. It's almost hotter with Kame, actually, because Jin knows he's with someone who's spent so long wanting him, who knows him as well as he knows himself - better, in some ways - and likes him for himself, not because he's a celebrity.

It doesn't take long, because Jin's been working up to this all evening and he's got no reason to hold back. He can't reciprocate in kind, not yet, but Kame makes it clear he's not expecting anything in return and seems pleasantly surprised when one of Jin's hands works its way inside his pants. Pleasant surprise gives way to gasping enthusiasm, followed by heavy, sleepy contentment, Kame's muscles slack and relaxed, breath slowly evening out as he comes back to himself.

Jin's still learning his way around, not quite accustomed yet to how different this thing with Kame is from every other relationship he's had in his life. Different parts, for one thing. If going down on girls comes easy to him, he can't say the same for guys. He'll get there, he's sure, but for the moment he's still trying to wrap his mind around the notion. It helps that he can see Kame now. The lounge lights hide nothing; although Kame's still mostly dressed, it's all too obvious that he's male, and Jin doesn't get that weird, disconnected feeling where he can't tell who he's with or what he's doing with them.

Seems like Kame picks up on it too, because afterwards he says, "Does it make a difference, in the light?"

"Um..." Jin scratches his shoulder, not certain how to phrase his response. "Yeah. I mean, I like being able to see you. Not just...you know...when you come, but so I know...that it's you, I guess. That I'm not with a girl this time, so things are different, and..." He trails off, because Kame looks confused and that's not good because Kame needs to be sure.

"Jin, is it...is it a problem for you, that I'm male?" Kame says, slow and cautious. "It's okay if it is - I mean, not _okay_ , but-"

"It is _not_ a problem," Jin says firmly, punctuating his declaration with a kiss that leaves them both breathless. When they separate, he continues, "I said it was going to take me some time to get used to it, and it is. But I am. Uh...it's you."

Kame's grin turns impish. "Yep, it's me, unless you'd prefer to be making out with a stranger on my couch. I could probably accommodate you, if you were into that."

"I'd rather know who I'm with, thanks."

"Even when it's with someone who's not a girl? I'm not operating under any illusions here, Jin." Kame slips into serious speech mode; Jin can tell because he looks like he's about to deliver a lecture for the camera. "Realising that you're transgender doesn't mean your preferences have suddenly changed. If you'd shown any serious interest in men before - more than casual flirting - I wouldn't have been so surprised."

The casual flirting's always been there, a consequence of growing up in an industry where hordes of women pay good money for fanservice, but some of it, Jin realises now, is down to trying to get men to see him differently. Sometimes it works for him. Older male directors love his "beautiful vulnerability": the more messed up and ethereal he looked while filming _BANDAGE_ , the more Kobayashi-san liked it.

"It's not like I'd never thought about it," he admits. "I think everyone who goes through Johnny's does, sooner or later. It's like a rite of passage or something. First sequinned jumpsuit, first lipstick, first time you get paid to snuggle up with another guy and come out of it feeling a little weird.

"And we do know an awful lot of beautiful people."

"Some of them, not so much without the make-up," Kame says, laughing and pointing to his own face. He's not wearing any now, of course, and he's got the beginnings of a spot forming on one cheek that will be covered for the camera, but Jin thinks he's gorgeous anyway. The natural look suits Kame best, happy in his own skin.

"You don't need the make-up," Jin says. "You're pretty enough without it."

"Pretty like a girl?" Kame raises an eyebrow. "Is that why?"

"That's what Yamapi thinks."

"He knows?"

Oops. "He...uh...he guessed," Jin says. "I couldn't lie to him. Is it okay?"

"I'm glad, actually. It's not something you should have to hide from your best friend. He asked me about it a while ago and I didn't have anything to tell him, but now..." Kame shrugs. "If he knows, there are probably some other people we should tell."

Jin knows who he means. "I'd be surprised if they haven't figured it out already."

"If they have, they haven't said anything," Kame says. "Valentine's Day is in a few weeks; I'd have expected some teasing by now."

"Maybe they're waiting till February starts. Then we'll get questions about who's making the chocolate."

Kame snorts. "If Pi thinks I'm girly enough to be your girlfriend, they'll probably assume it's me."

"You can cook," Jin points out. "That's why it should be you."

"Would you settle for a Valentine's curry?"

"Trying to spice up your love life?"

"Oh, I think with you in the picture, it's spicy enough already..."

"Valentine's Day isn't just for girls in America," Jin says. "But I still can't cook very well."

"That's okay. I didn't fall for you for your skills in the kitchen."

"I think it's safe to say no one has _ever_ fallen for me for my skills in the kitchen."

"You can do more with your kitchen than just cook." Kame's eyes and voice both take a turn for the dreamy; Jin assumes he's recalling some fond memory. When Kame actually blushes, Jin assumes the memory involves more fondling than fondness, and nudges him in the ribs to snap him out of it. He'd really rather not take a trip down memory lane with Kame's exes.

"Show me sometime?" he suggests.

Kame shakes his head and laughs. "I don't think you'd appreciate the ice cubes."

The mere mention of ice has Jin shivering. He'd rather soak up the sun. "Forget I spoke."

"With Koki and the others, should we...?" It's unlike Kame to sound so hesitant, but this is something that affects both of them. It's not a decision he can make by himself.

The more people they tell, the more weirdness they'll have to deal with, Jin thinks. Especially from the people who know about him. Very few of his friends are familiar with the concept of tact. "After Valentine's Day," he says.

\-----

Valentine's Day is still a good few weeks away. Kame can't think about it now; he's got too much else on his mind. Filming _Split_ is starting to take its toll.

Kage leaves his signature wherever he strikes: a black cloth with 'KAGE' hand-stitched in the corner in white. A blindfold, for the darkness in which he keeps them all. His counterpart, Nishikawa Hikaru, is the light to his shadow; as yet, he sees nothing. A blindfold conceals but this one is meant to illuminate - a clue left for Nishikawa, to guide him to the truth.

When Satou is unlucky enough to catch a glimpse of Kage's face, the scene transitions to the two men standing together against a white wall, Kame behind Hoshino - Satou's actor - with his hands untying the knotted blindfold covering Hoshino's eyes. When the cloth falls free, it's Kage who whirls it before Satou, freezing him with a ruthless smile and a glimpse of white letters on black. Time stands still, the last moment of Satou's life immortalised in monochrome.

The next second, Satou's on the ground outside with a knife in his chest and Kage has vanished. Nishikawa has no idea how he got there, or why one of Kage's blindfolds is lying on the floor, but he knows a trail of blood when he sees one and he follows it to find one of his important colleagues bleeding to death outside the shrine. Satou has last words; they're about Kage, Nishikawa can feel it.

His shadow self's name is the last word to pass Satou's lips before he takes his final breath. An angry, selfish voice inside Nishikawa's head, one that sounds both like himself and like a stranger, snaps that he could at least have said something more useful. He already knows Kage was behind Satou's death.

Shocked by his own unexpected callousness, Nishikawa staggers to his feet, still clutching the blindfold, now bloody from his attempt to stem the bleeding.

 _No, not unexpected. Not entirely._ He's heard that little voice before, sneaking in with unsolicited advice, sounding more like Tamai than himself. Maybe she's starting to rub off on him, give him an edge. She'd like that, he thinks.

Kame thinks so too, but he knows better. This isn't the only blindfold scene he has to do. The next one to be removed is Tamai's, which involves him standing behind Meisa and trying to look more badass than she is. It takes them a while to find a suitable angle to film it from. It's too early for this scene but they're filming it now while they have the background; it's symbolic, anyway. Kame doesn't know yet how Tamai finds out, but it won't be long now.

The final blindfold to be removed is Nishikawa's. They have to focus in on Kame's face and hands, and then his _other_ face, make it look like he's standing behind himself. Kage has a special blindfold for Nishikawa. This one has a double layer of cloth, black on the one side and white on the other. The black side has the same neat white text: KAGE. The white side has black text: HIKARU.

Nishikawa Hikaru is the light to Kage's shadow, but by the time the blindfold comes off, some of that shadow has infiltrated Nishikawa's brain - and maybe it works both ways. Kame's looking forward to finding out how the series ends. No one's willing to tell him.

It's the last scene they shoot for the day and when Kame goes to change from Nishikawa's smart suit and shiny shoes, he realises he's still carrying the special blindfold, wrapped around his wrist for safekeeping. He can return it tomorrow. Tonight, it's still _his_. It looks like a black and white bandage on his arm; could be covering any number of sins. Kage must have plenty of them. Nishikawa's still working on it.

And Kame? He's got them both, now. He doesn't usually have this much trouble disassociating from his drama characters. When he's off the set that's it, back to being Kamenashi Kazuya, no heroes or villains here. This time it's a little different. He's thinking all the time, trying to strike a balance between the roles, to find the place where Nishikawa ends and Kage begins. It's a full-time job all on its own and it leaves him lying awake at night, waiting for that little voice to sidle up to his mind and whisper its secrets directly into his brain.

He drives home with the thin strip of fabric unwinding itself from his wrist, dangling down past the steering wheel. Kage wouldn't carry it like this, would he? He doesn't like loose ends. He'd fold it up neatly, tuck it away in a pocket, and make sure never to leave it anywhere Nishikawa could find. Not until the time is right, anyway. When the young police officer realises the shadow he's been pursuing is none other than himself, will he crumble, Kame wonders? Will he do the honourable thing and jump off a bridge? Turn himself in, only to lose first his mind and then his life in prison?

It's an interesting dilemma. Kame's not sure what he would do in his character's place. He leaves the blindfold on the bathroom counter while he showers; Jin's coming over soon and there's not enough time to relax in the tub with his thoughts. When he dresses he might as well be on the set again, stealing from Kage's wardrobe of solid black; the white of the blindfold around his wrist is the only bright spot.

What would Kage make of Jin? Nishikawa would like his smile; the childlike innocence he's managed to retain despite everything he's seen and done. Kage would like his beauty, a work of art to be stolen and hidden away, not to be sullied by the stares of unworthy eyes. Oh yes, Kame can feel it now. He rubs the dangling tail of the blindfold between his fingers. Kage would preserve Jin's beauty forever, keep it safe beneath his own hands. And Jin would never see it, because Kage would speak to him in Nishikawa's voice, and-

Kame shakes his head, trying to snap himself out of it before he goes too deep. Nishikawa doesn't have a voice. Kage doesn't have hands. Kame has it all.

He just has to figure out what to do with it.

Jin's not here for dinner. He's already eaten, which is good because Kame doesn't think he could settle down to eat, not with the way he's feeling right now. This is almost as bad as pre-concert tension. He's not supposed to be so wound up. Food can wait till later; he's no stranger to eating at weird hours.

"You're dressed like a cat burglar," Jin says when Kame opens the front door. "I thought we were going to work on your lyrics, not go on a crime spree."

Lyrics? Oh. That's right. Kame's writing a song for his niece, something simple but sweet, and Jin, with his talent for communicating with children, is the perfect person to lend a hand.

Only...not tonight. Kame doesn't want to think about his niece, doesn't want to taint her image with the thoughts currently running through his mind. She's got nothing to do with the shadows and he wants to keep it that way.

Jin's got nothing to do with the shadows either but he's _there_. There, in his long white tunic, diamond patterns on his jeans and silver earrings glinting through spirals of soft black hair. He's there, he's beautiful, and Kage wants him.

 _Kame wants him._ He shakes his head again. This is a bad idea. He should just tell Jin tonight's no good, that he should go home right now and they can do this another time. A time when he doesn't have static beneath his skin, crackling through his body as it builds to explosive levels.

"We _are_ going on a crime spree?" Jin says, deliberately misinterpreting the headshake. "Should I call Pi to be our getaway driver?"

"No, we're..." Kame takes a deep breath. Jin's hung up his coat already and he's still standing there, waiting for Kame to step aside and let him pass. That's not going to happen. Kame places one hand either side of Jin's shoulders, wedging him against the wall, intending to tell him tonight's off.

Clearly, that's not going to happen, either.

"Kame?" Jin sounds confused. "Is everything okay? You look kind of out of it. Did something happen at work?"

"You should go home," Kame blurts out. Jin has to leave. "We'll do this another time, all right?"

"I passed on a night out with the guys to help you with your song. You're not getting rid of me that easily."

"And you're not listening to me." Kame takes his right hand from the wall, uses it to cup Jin's chin. Jin's wearing lipstick, just a little, enough that one good kiss could probably steal it away. Kage's a thief; he knows what he's doing. Kame tilts his head up enough to try, working on Jin's lips with all the delicacy of a safecracker. The safe door opens for him, allowing him access to the treasures inside.

Jin's not fighting him. Kame's got a million thoughts passing through his brain right now - _his jaw's so perfectly sculpted he belongs in a museum, his hair feels so good between my fingers, why does he have to be so goddamned pretty?_ \- and he's got Jin pressed so close to the wall Jin's got to be able to feel how much this is turning him on.

Kame's shorter by a few inches but he feels ten feet tall, like he's stalking through a museum in the middle of the night with a switchblade in his pocket and darkness at his back. He's invincible, unstoppable. Kage takes what he wants, and Nishikawa takes care of his own. Jin is both.

"You should've said you had alternative plans," Jin breathes when Kame lets him up for air. "I can be flexible."

They attended the same dance practices for years; Kame knows very well just how flexible Jin can be. But that's not what he means and the teasing response dies on Kame's tongue before he can even form the words. He's getting something here, something he can use, but to have a hope of understanding it he has to let someone else do the talking.

"If you like my plans, then stay," Kage says, sounding a lot more casual than Kame feels. "If not, then go. I won't stop you."

"You kiss me like that and ask me if I want to leave?" Jin places a hand on Kame's hip, curling his fingers just enough to suggest that leaving is the farthest thing from his mind. "Of course I'm staying."

"Then..." Kame steps back, extending his hand towards the bedroom. "Shall we?"

He's rushing them, not even pretending Jin's staying for anything else because Kage's not in the mood to be patient. He's a marvel of self-restraint the rest of the time, not seizing control of the body he shares with Nishikawa more than he has to in order to do what he must. Well, except those couple of times when he just needed to be himself. It's hard to give it back, sometimes, when you can feel everything with your own body, not filtered through someone else's senses.

Kame remembers that. Episode five, Nishikawa's first day off in a while - and also his first daylight blackout, while Kage canvassed a museum and took himself out for iced coffee. The thief had gained a taste for it. Kame can understand that, being a pretty physical guy himself. There are things Kage wants that he can never have, and tonight, Kame's going to find out what they are.

He stands beside the bed when Jin sits on the end of it, looking up at him expectantly with wide, curious eyes.

"Are you-" Jin begins, and then Kage cuts him off with a hand flat on his chest, pushing him down till his back hits the mattress. It's not a hard shove, because Kage's more refined than rough, but it's a steady pressure and Jin goes with it.

The blindfold's still dangling when Kame withdraws his hand, surprised at himself. Slowly, he unwraps his wrist and holds out the length of cloth so Jin can see it for what it is.

And Jin knows, no doubt about that, though he tries to suppress his gasp.

"I need you to forget whose body this is," Kage says, so hard and intense it's almost a command. "You'll see me better with this on." He holds out the blindfold with the 'KAGE' side facing Jin.

"I won't see _anything_ with that on," Jin protests. "And you're not crazy enough to think otherwise, so...oh." He sits up, blindfold brushing his shoulder. "Kage. That's one of your characters in the drama, right? This is work."

Kage's cold smile morphs into Kame's warm concern. "It's...it's work, but..."

"I don't mind helping you learn lines, Kame, but is there really a scene like this in the script? In an NTV drama? I don't buy that."

"I need to work a few things out," Kame says. "In my head. I need to know how these characters think, how this series is going to end. Please."

"How the hell is blindfolding me supposed to help with that!"

"I don't want you to see me as myself. I need to be...I need to be someone else."

Jin licks his lips; Kame can tell this is weird for him. It's not Kame's normal preference, it's certainly not Nishikawa's and he hasn't even figured out what Kage likes, yet, but it matters to him that Jin's not going to start looking at him like he's a serial killer. Kame's no relationship expert, but even he knows that can't possibly be good.

"I like to see you," Jin says. "I like to know that it's you."

"We're the only people here - who else is it going to be?" It comes out in Kage's voice, cutting and impatient.

"I know, but..."

Nishikawa, the good cop, comes out to play without Kame even thinking about it. "You'll have your hands free," he assures Jin. "If the blindfold makes you uncomfortable, you can simply remove it." It's like he's trying to convince an informant to talk by offering him protection. In the back of Kame's mind, Kage's voice adds an afterthought: _"You can remove it - but it would be better for you if you didn't."_

Kame doesn't think he's capable of doing anything to hurt Jin. He hopes Kage won't prove him wrong. He's never gone to such lengths to get into character before.

"Please," he says again, and Jin swallows once and nods.

"Wh-what do you want me to do?"

\-----

This drama role was supposed to be good for Kame, give him a chance to show off his acting chops. He's not supposed to be showing them off in the bedroom. Jin can't imagine what kind of acting technique this is, or maybe Kame's got a secret kinky side he never bothered to mention, but it's definitely not what he came over for.

He wishes he'd seen more of the drama. It would be helpful right now to know more about who he's with, what he can expect. Kage, that's got to be the cold one, with a shark's eyes and tight, sharp motions as he efficiently rids Jin of his tunic. Nishikawa's the good guy, the one who asks, ever the courteous professional, if Jin's warm enough or if he needs the heating turned up. Kame uses his TV voice for Nishikawa, the one he uses to charm talk show hosts and middle-aged women; Kage's voice is deeper, that's Kame's voice when he's annoyed but has to keep his temper.

Jin's wearing only his jeans when he scoots backwards on the bed so he's sitting up against the headboard; Kame straddles him, blindfold in hand and an odd, almost rapturous expression on his face. Jin's not sure which one of them settles the fabric over his eyes and knots it behind his head, but it's definitely Kame who kisses his cheek afterwards and strokes reassurance into his hair before moving away.

He hates it immediately. Jin likes being able to see all around him (even if it's through sunglasses, but those are for keeping his distance anyway) and having his vision suddenly stolen sends shivers down his spine like nothing else, especially when he can hear Kame breathing. Logically, he knows that it's only the two of them. His head understands that.

The rest of him, unfortunately, has too many memories of being pawed at concerts by overzealous fangirls (and the occasional train pervert). Nothing good has ever come from being unable to see the people around him. It's Kame, but at the same time it's not Kame at all and that makes Jin nervous. He tells himself all he has to do is reach up and pull the stupid blindfold over his head and it'll be fine, the darkness will lift, but he's not so naive as to think the shadow will fall from Kame. He could walk out, but he'd be leaving Kame to his weird, mystical inner journey or whatever the hell he's doing, and that's probably not a good idea either. If Kame's getting this into the part, there's no telling how far he'll take it. Best not to leave him to his own devices.

\-----

Jin's holding himself rigid against the headboard, jaws clamped together, shoulders stiff enough to break under Kage's touch. He's not been forbidden to speak but Kame, the only one of them who knows Jin at all, knows he can't spare concentration to talk right now anyway. He's too busy acclimatising himself to the loss of vision, working on staying calm.

Kage deliberately interrupts him. Jin's mouth finally opens in shock when he's dragged down the bed by his beltloops; the momentum has him hitting his head on the - mercifully padded - headboard before he slides down to the pillows. He rubs the back of his head, groaning. When his hand touches the blindfold's knot, Kage snatches it away.

"Sorry," Nishikawa says. That's all he manages to get out before Kage's thoughts overwhelm him. The contrast between the two is interesting, Kame thinks. Nishikawa likes his partner, the masculine but undeniably female Tamai Sachiko. He's not interested in men, sees Jin as just another innocent soul involved in this case, someone who needs to be protected. The Nishikawa Kame's feeling at the moment doesn't feel anything when he sees Jin lying on the bed, except a little sympathy. He's not doing this for himself.

But Kage is, Kame's sure. Kage's staring down at Jin's pale chest, where his last dose of California sunshine has long since faded and his large, dark nipples stand out a mile. Kame doesn't know if it's his own bias showing through or not, but Kage finds Jin extremely attractive and would like to do something about it. He doesn't care if Nishikawa's interested or not.

Kame's touched Jin a million times but never like this, not even when the lights were off. There's a difference between open eyes in a dark room, and no sight at all, and no modern room is ever truly dark.

It's Kage who tugs Jin's jeans down over his hips, taking his underwear with and leaving them unbalanced: one stark naked; the other fully dressed. Then he lifts off from the bed altogether and Jin turns his head, searching for him without success.

"Kame?"

"Still here," Kame says. He'd like very much to be touching Jin, but something inside him - Kage, it feels like - wants to wait, to watch and admire for a moment. "Just relax."

\-----

Relax? Jin's never felt so exposed in his life, and that includes the time he did a nude photoshoot. It's one thing to be able to see the model, to see the photographer, and to know that there's a point to the whole ridiculous ordeal. He's not sure what the point is here. Kame could be over in the corner doing world's quietest striptease, or he could be doing his taxes - there's no way to tell.

He stops straining to see. The blindfold's too thick for that. Instead he concentrates on his hearing, listening out for even the slightest sound that will clue him in. At first all he can focus on is his own ragged breathing. The more agitated he gets, the harder it becomes to ignore, and he clenches his fists tightly against the sheets, nails digging into his palms.

"Jin?"

He jerks when Kame's voice comes from his left, much closer than previously. "It's...it's fine. Just feels kinda weird."

Like he's being served up for dinner, but he's not about to say that to a guy who hasn't eaten all evening.

\-----

Kage takes Jin's assurance at face value because he doesn't know any better. Kame notes the clenched fists, watches the rapid rise and fall of Jin's chest and tries to remember where he keeps the paper bags. Kage's watching too, but he's more interested in the lines of Jin's body. It's like he's planning a heist, Kame realises. He examines every inch of the target, studies it, maps it out in his mind so he knows exactly how to touch it, how to move it, how to store it. It's not usually sentient, though.

Finally, Kage strips out of his own clothes, dropping them to the floor without a second thought. He knows Jin can hear him. He sits on the side of the bed, close enough for Jin to rock when the mattress dips.

Jin's not even close to being aroused and that's not much of a surprise. Kame worries he'll be hated for this, but the longer he sits there, the more Jin's breathing evens out.

"Are you just going to sit there all night?" Jin says.

It's odd to be receiving prompts from someone who can't even see him but it makes Kame feel a little better.

\-----

Talking reminds Jin that he still _can_ , that he doesn't have to remain silent and motionless. The only restraint he's got is on his eyes, and while it's not how he'd choose to spend his evening, it's better than being tied up. He hopes Kame never plays a character who's into bondage.

It's taking too long. It's easier to breathe now that Kame's back on the bed again, not touching him yet but there, where Jin can find him if he stretches out his hand.

And then Kame does touch him and it's like a live wire on his skin. It's not even somewhere intimate. Kame's fingers brush his upper arm and Jin shudders, the sensation travelling all the way down to his toes. The next touch is on his stomach, circling his belly button, and he can't help but whimper.

\-----

Nishikawa's first impulse is to ask Jin if he's okay. Kage's is to touch him again. Kame, who has no doubt that Jin would make it very plain if he objected, lets Kage's desires control his fingers, sweeping them down the length of Jin's body and watching a soft flush rise along his skin. It's pretty, like everything else about him. Another mental image to file away, a slow-motion video with a muted moan soundtrack.

Kage doesn't know what's in the nightstand drawer but Kame does, and he takes out a small bottle before settling down between Jin's legs. There's other stuff in there too, but Kame thinks he knows where this is going and doesn't believe it'll be required. The fact that Kage doesn't appear to be doing anything for himself either is giving him one of the puzzle pieces he's missing; he just has to figure out where it fits.

There's a slight stirring in Jin's lap now; nothing full-on yet, but enough to reassure Kame that he's getting something from this, at least. Jin's interest wanes, however, when Kage shuffles forward on his knees and pulls him up so only his torso remains on the mattress, legs spread wide around Kame's hips. This isn't something they've done before; Kame hopes he's not crossing a line somewhere. Surely Jin would let him know?

Kage crosses lines on a regular basis, though not usually like this, but he's the one who drives Kame forwards to place an unexpectedly gentle kiss on Jin's lips. That's not for Kage: that's for Jin - an act of tender generosity, a gift from one who usually takes. Kage's motivations are starting to make sense to Kame now, but who's he doing it all for? The answer's almost within reach.

Jin's warm to the touch, skin flushing further still when Kage takes him in hand, arousing him with steady, rhythmic strokes. It's mechanical but not rough; once again, the thief memorises the lay of the land with hands and lips, notes the reactions he gets and uses them to amend his tactics. Kame's already done some of the groundwork for him. He knows what works for Jin, where he likes teeth and where he likes tongue. It helps unravel the knot in his stomach to see Jin relaxing into it, breathing uneven again but for much better reasons. They can do this. It's okay.

What's not so okay is the way Jin flinches at the snap of the bottle cap.

"This is going to feel uncomfortable for a bit," Nishikawa says, clinical as a doctor. "Try to relax." He's got no interest in the proceedings whatsoever, which is why he's completely ignoring the fact that Kame's hard too. Kage doesn't seem to care, either; Kame, if left to his own devices, would have ideas about where this is going, but it doesn't look like he's going to have the opportunity to act on them. He hadn't planned on it going like this, anyway. Not with blindfolds. If Jin says anything...

"Great advice." Jin's breath hitches when Kage circles his entrance with one cold, slick finger. "Put yourself in my place and then try to relax."

"I never wear the blindfold," Kage says. " _He_ does."

\-----

That's the creepiest thing Kame's done all evening, Jin thinks. He can get past the blindfold, if he keeps reminding himself that there's only physically two of them in the room. He can get past the random, electric touches that turn his knees to jelly, so long as he manages to keep himself grounded. Getting swept away by sensation would be a really bad idea. Dangerous, maybe, because someone ought to be in his right mind and it's obviously not going to be Kame. Not when he's talking like that.

That's what Jin's having trouble getting past. Kame takes his work very seriously, practically kills himself mastering new stunts for performances and pretends his own needs are less important than those of the audience. Jin can't live like that. He's got no problem putting himself on the line if he believes in what he's doing, but he won't let work drive him crazy again. There are more important things in life. Family, friends, love. Laughter that's neither bitter nor demented.

Kame needs to get a grip and realise he doesn't need to do this to act in some stupid TV drama. The audience won't appreciate the lengths he's going to. No one's going to care if he loses his mind in the process, except the people who know and love him off the camera. He could play the part in his sleep and the result would be exactly the same.

On the other hand, Kame's drive and dedication are two of the things Jin loves about him. It's just a good thing he wasn't cast as an axe murderer.

Jin squirms as Kame's finger slips inside him. The sensation is both unfamiliar and unwelcome, but he bites his lip and bears with it because Kame's clearly doing his best to be gentle, probing him slowly with one hand while the other strokes his flagging erection back to life. He's not sure how far Kame intends to take this - not sure how far he _wants_ Kame to take this. It's not quite how he'd pictured them doing this for the first time, with himself blindfolded and Kame roleplaying characters from both sides of the law.

\-----

Kame lets Kage do all the work, stretching Jin at a slow, relaxed pace, adding another finger when it seems like he's ready to take more. It takes a while; he's tight, and what keeps Kame going is the knowledge that Jin is basically a wimp when it comes to pain and needs no encouragement to complain if he feels it's warranted. Jin keeps shifting in his lap but doesn't say a word, shuddering when he brushes up against Kame. Kame can feel Kage's smile spreading across his face, neither amused nor cruel, merely tender. That's not a surprise, either. Not anymore. Jin's still beautiful, even under the overhead light with a band of cloth tied across his eyes and a thin sheen of sweat covering his skin.

Kage loves beauty. Nishikawa's not aggressive enough to pursue it, but he wishes he could. He'd like to be like Tamai, marching right in there and taking what she wants, speaking her mind to all and sundry and to hell with the consequences. He can't be like that. He lives to please his superiors, to make a name for himself as a respectable, upstanding man with a reputation for decency and cooperation. If he goes after what he wants, he could lose it all.

Kage understands that...and now, so does Kame.

Jin chokes on a moan when Kage's fingers find his prostate. A good thief can find anything he likes, and this one wants to find the spot that will make Jin feel good, feel like the weirdness and discomfort is worth it. Kame needs this to be worth it for Jin.

"Okay?" he asks. All he gets in response is an incoherent whine, which suggests a repeat would be welcome.

Nishikawa sits this one out. He's content that his involvement isn't required, that no one needs saving from Kage. He doesn't even understand why Kage's doing this, though Kame thinks he will by the final episode.

 _It's all for his sake._

Kage touches Jin with reverence now, working him with both hands, inside and out, until he slumps back against the mattress on the crest of a wave. He's a sweaty, sticky mess, shuddering through his orgasm while Kame holds him. There's only Kamenashi Kazuya left. The others don't need to be here anymore.

"I'm...I'm taking off the blindfold now, okay?" Jin says, wavering a bit, after a couple of minutes where the only sounds are Kame wiping his hands on a tissue and laboured breathing from both of them.

"Okay," Kame says in a small voice. He's half-afraid to hear what Jin has to say now, what Jin will think of him for this.

Jin can't keep his hands steady enough to untie the knot so he pulls the blindfold over his head, dropping it over the edge of the bed even as he draws his legs back and rolls away from Kame. "Are we done?"

Kame's not hard anymore; even if he was, he wouldn't expect Jin to do anything about it, especially not now. "Yeah," he says, throat feeling so clogged he's surprised not to be choking on his words. "We're done."

"Good."

Jin swivels around, lowers his feet to the floor. Kame reaches for him, wanting the simple comfort of a hug as much for his own sake as for Jin's, but Jin jerks his arm away and says, "Don't touch me. Not right now."

"I'm sorry," Kame says automatically. It doesn't make any difference. He watches Jin walk to the bathroom, a little heavy, a little awkward, and thinks that's it, he's pushed things too far. The door slams but there's no corresponding click of the lock. That's something, at least, though he doubts Jin means it as an invitation.

His legs have gone to sleep from kneeling for so long. He stretches out on the bed, picking up the blindfold first because there's no way he can leave it on the floor. It's a prop, after all. He tucks it behind the tissue box so Jin won't see it when he emerges from the bathroom. Damp from sweat, it'll need washing before it goes back to the set.

The sound of running water isn't from the shower but from the bath. Jin will be a while, then. Kame's been where Jin is, and he preferred a good soak then, too.

He drags himself off the mattress when the feeling returns to his legs. The water's still running when he reaches the bathroom door. "Help yourself to anything!" he calls through it. "There's some muscle soak in the cupboard over the sink-"

The door opens, all of four inches. "Which one are you?" Jin demands to know. Though little of his face is visible, it's enough for Kame to see his colour's worse than it's been since his hiatus press conference, all those years ago.

 _Which one?_ It takes a second for Kame's guilt-frozen brain to catch up. "Kazuya."

"Then, _Kazuya_ , how about you let me take my bath in peace?"

Kame's heart feels as brittle as Jin's voice sounds. He nods dumbly and watches the door close again. He could do with another shower but while the door's still not locked, he doesn't think walking in on Jin would be a smart move. He settles for snagging a bathrobe from the closet, tying the belt tight around his waist. Jin's clothes are still on the floor; Kame thinks that's no good, he should do something about that. He gathers everything up, folding it into a neat pile which he leaves next to the door, where Jin can't possibly miss it.

Coffee. Maybe Jin wants some coffee. Or water. Hell, he could probably do with a beer. Kame wouldn't mind crawling inside a wine bottle himself right now. He's got the answers he wanted - but at what price?

By the time Jin emerges from the bathroom with a bath towel wrapped around his hips, Kame's on his second glass of water - best he gives alcohol a miss - and wishing his intestines would stop tying themselves in knots. He's not looking forward to this. Jin sees the pile of clothing, nods, and withdraws into the bathroom to finish dressing. Kame's reprieve lasts all of a couple of minutes.

"Can I...can I get you something to drink?" he says the second Jin reappears. "Beer, or water, or-"

"Water would be fine."

It hurts when Jin cuts him off mid-sentence; worse still is the wariness in his eyes. That's not supposed to be there. Kame did that.

Jin follows him to the kitchen. He crosses his arms over his chest and leans against the counter while Kame gets him a bottle of sparkling water from the fridge. He won't take it from Kame's hands; Kame has to set it down on the side first.

"Is there anything else I can get you?" Kame tries. "Did I...are you...um..."

Jin won't look at him. "I'm fine, thank you."

"If you were fine, you'd be talking to me instead of my kitchen floor," Kame says. "I'm...I'm sorry, Jin. I'm so sorry. I didn't expect things to turn out like this."

"That makes two of us. Or four of us, or however many people were here tonight."

Kame's starting to wish he'd never even auditioned for the drama. "Two of us, in all the ways that counted."

"So the blindfold thing, that was all you?"

"That wasn't..." Kame pushes back a clump of sweat-soaked hair with one hand. He really needs a shower. "I had to. I don't...I don't know how to explain it to you, but I'm sorry to put you through that. I didn't want to rush into things. I pushed you too far, too fast, and now you're mad at me and-"

Jin sets the water bottle down with a thump on the counter. "I'm not angry about what we did; I'm angry because I don't know who I was doing it with. Who was that, Kame? You or one of your drama characters? I think I've got a right to know who's got his goddamned fingers inside me!"

That's not what Kame expected to hear. "So it was...okay?"

"No, it's not okay! You don't have to be an actor in the bedroom too, you know. Nobody's paying you to have sex with me."

There's a million fangirls who'd be willing to put up the money, Kame's sure. "I mean, touching you like that was okay?"

Jin sighs and turns away, though not before Kame can see the furtive blush creeping up his cheeks. "That was...nice. After a while, anyway. But it would've been a hell of a lot better with just you, me, and no blindfolds."

Kame sinks slowly to the tiled floor, which is awkward when his bathrobe catches on a cupboard handle, but he needs to sit down. It's been a draining evening. Across the kitchen Jin does the same, wincing at the movement and sending Kame's guilt into overdrive.

"Sorry."

"Would you stop apologising?"

"I hurt you."

Jin grimaces. "And I could've walked away. I've done more damage to myself practising dance moves, Kame. I'll be fine."

Kame knows he's telling the truth: especially during the early days of KAT-TUN's career, their lack of coordination when dancing had led to numerous knocks of heads, knees and elbows. Hell, Jin's been through motorcycle accidents. This barely qualifies as an irritation. Logic doesn't do much to help, though, even if he's apologising for the wrong thing.

"Did you at least get what you wanted?" Jin asks, and Kame knows he's not talking about the sex.

"Yeah. I found the answers I was looking for."

"Good." Jin reaches up for his water bottle and takes another few gulps. "I'm sure your director will appreciate your dedication to duty."

The sarcasm's not unexpected. Kame replies honestly. "I doubt anyone will, but I...I needed to do this. For myself. Thank you."

"You're welcome."

Jin rises and deposits the bottle back on the counter before Kame can elaborate. He's heading for the door, has one arm through the sleeve of his coat when Kame catches up to him.

"Did you drive?" he asks, and then realises it's a stupid question. Jin was wearing lipstick when he arrived, though his face is bare now, and that means it's less likely he used public transport.

"Yeah." So he doesn't need a lift home, doesn't need Kame to escort him back and make sure they're still speaking to each other by the time he gets to his place.

"Take it easy." Kame starts to reach for Jin, stopping himself before he can unclench his fingers. It's better that he doesn't.

"Yeah," Jin says again. The later it gets, the fewer words he's got to spare. Kame wishes he had the same problem. He's got a million words he'd like to say to Jin, mostly variations on a theme, and Jin's likely not in the mood to hear any of them at the moment.

"I'll call you tomorrow?" It's not so much a promise as a question: is it okay to call Jin tomorrow? Does Jin even want to speak to him?

"I'm busy tomorrow." No mixed signals there.

"Just..." Now Kame's the one at a loss for words.

"I'll mail you."

Jin slips into his boots and out the door without looking back. Kame replays the last thirty seconds in his brain and hopes he didn't imagine a slight softening of Jin's voice. He's desperate enough to clutch at straws.

He showers quickly. The bathroom's still steamed up from Jin's bath, but that's the only sign he was ever there. There's still too much of a knot in Kame's stomach for him to even consider food. It can wait for breakfast. Cooking will help him focus on something other than his phone, and mail alerts that might or might not be from Jin. He washes the blindfold carefully and leaves it to dry while he sleeps.

That's the plan, at least, but sleep's not easy to come by. He's not trying to be anyone else now, doesn't have any thoughts but his own in his head, but there's far too many of them to allow him to rest easily. He wonders how many of them will come out in the script.

He understands, now, why Kage does the things he does, why he pushes the limits of things Nishikawa would never dare to do. Why Kage exists in the first place.

Kage's a distinct personality, but he has his origins in one Nishikawa Hikaru, professional nice guy. The things Nishikawa wants, be they women, power, success - he can't get them, not the way he'd like to. He's missing something, and that something is Kage. Kage gives him that edge. Everything he does, every aspect of his personality, is for Nishikawa's sake. As Kage starts to lose pieces of himself Nishikawa gains them, becoming more like the man he wants to be.

And so in the end, Kame suspects, Kage will be consumed altogether, and only Nishikawa will remain.

Kage cares more than Kame had ever imagined he could, at the start of the series. He loves his other self, wants to protect him. Wants to give him everything he needs. Everything he takes for himself is a gift for someone else, and with no body to call his own, there's a limit to how much he can take. Kame knows now that things couldn't have gone any further with Jin, not with Kage at the helm.

Jin's a gift too - but for Kame, who wants him to be happy. That backfired, all right.

Nishikawa doesn't know he's managed to develop an alter ego to fulfil his desires. Kage's the kind of guy Tamai likes - or would be, if not for his occupation - so to attract Tamai, Nishikawa must become like Kage. It all seems so clear now.

Kame tosses and turns until he realises he should've changed the sheets, gives up, and goes to sleep on the couch for what's left of the night.

Not so far away, Jin's also on the couch, TV turned to some old black-and-white movie. He's not even attempting to sleep. Lying in bed with no distractions means time for his brain to ruminate, and the last thing he wants to do is think about what's just happened. He lied to Kame - he does have things to do tomorrow, but he's not busy the whole day - because he doesn't want to talk about it, either, and Kame will want to talk.

Kame can talk till he's blue in the face and it won't help him understand; Jin's certain of that. He can get behind the idea of roleplaying for fun, but Kame didn't appear to be enjoying himself much - not that Jin was in any position to see. Playing a part for work, that makes sense too.

Playing a part in a situation that has nothing whatsoever to do with work? That's not something Jin can comprehend. He's no good at being anyone other than himself, which has caused him no end of problems in the past, and even when he's acting, he has to find some way to connect himself to the part.

If Kame's somehow feeling connected to either of his drama characters, Jin would rather not know about it, and especially not like _that_. Kame-as-Kage is just too damned creepy. Jin didn't sign up for a foursome.

He curls up around a pillow, burying himself deeper in a nest of old blankets while four Japanese-dubbed Beatles are having a "hard day's night". He knows the feeling. The plot's not making much sense but it's comforting, from a less complicated time, when even his mother hadn't been born yet.

Uncomplicated is good right now. Uncomplicated means he can mail Kame tomorrow without worrying who will be sending the response.

If only he knew what to say.

\--------------

By the time Jin wakes up his television's switched itself off, he's buried deep enough in the blankets he's not even sure he can find his legs anymore, and he doesn't have enough time to make it to the bank before he hits the recording studio, not if he doesn't want to miss his slot. It doesn't surprise him that he's overslept.

It also doesn't surprise him that he's got a couple of mails from Kame, the first of which is an apologetic mess of crying emoji sent at six in the morning, while the second, sent ten minutes later, apologises for the first. That's definitely Kame and not his drama characters. Jin's glad he doesn't have time to respond yet; saves him trying to figure out how. And he hadn't said _when_ he'd mail Kame, anyway.

A fast shower doesn't do much to wake him up, though the hot water does ease his aches a bit. Spending the night on the couch hasn't done him any favours. It's a good thing there's no dancing on his agenda today.

There's no need for him to look good, either, so he jams a purple beanie down over his hair, pulls up the hood of his oversized grey sweatshirt to cover it, and adds a pair of sunglasses for good measure. There, now people can just assume he had too much to drink last night. Having a reputation can be convenient sometimes.

It should've been the truth. He should've gone out with Ryo and the others last night, not agreed to help Kame with his niece's song...but if it's for kids, he can't resist.

Evidently if it's for Kame, he can't resist either. He really needs to learn how to do that. It's a good thing the drama filming will be over in a few weeks. Then Kame can relax a little, stop working himself up into a frenzy about whether or not he's doing justice to his roles.

Kame's drama...no, Jin still doesn't want to think about that. Time to distract himself with work.

His first single for 2012 is actually going to be in Japanese, a warm ballad to stave off the winter cold. Not what he'd had in mind, but one doesn't simply turn down a song from Oda Kazumasa. It makes up, a little, for not being around to record 'Bokura no Machi de', and should do a lot to pacify the fans who keep asking him to sing in Japanese.

It's been a while since he's recorded a song he didn't write, so he's been working hard to learn it.

When they stop for a break, his manager takes him aside and asks if he even bothered to look at the lyrics at all. Jin's got them in front of him and he's still screwing up, stumbling over words he should be able to pronounce, finishing the first verse with the last line of the second, changing his mind halfway through the high notes. When they play him what he's done so far, even the best take sounds awful.

They finally manage to lay down a track that everyone's happy with, though Jin can't see how it sounds any better and barely recalls singing it. His mind isn't where he'd like it to be, which is on his work, so he can stare down all those people who accuse him of not taking it seriously.

Things go from bad to worse when he accidentally joins the wrong queue at the bank and finds himself standing in line with a bunch of excited housewives, all of whom recognise him easily despite the hat, hood and sunglasses. It takes him ten minutes to extricate himself from their clutches, by which time the counter he wants is already closed.

Grocery shopping on his way home isn't much of a success story, either. He forgets to buy detergent and tissues, buys another box of eggs even though he has an unopened one in his fridge, and almost knocks over a chocolate display with his basket. It feels like everyone in the shop is watching him as he leaves, praying for him not to return and block up the aisles by blanking out in the middle of a shopping trip.

When he makes it home he resolves to stay there for the rest of the day. He's not in the mood to deal with other people; normally he craves company but today trying to keep his mind on a conversation makes him want to scream. He's got one he needs to finish before he can start any new ones - and that means talking to Kame.

There's one more mail on his phone. This one's from Yamapi, not Kame, asking if Jin has dinner plans. Jin doesn't, but the message reminds him he hasn't really eaten much all day - nibbling on half a sandwich in the studio doesn't count - and it might be an idea to do something about that. On the other hand, he's not particularly hungry, and he doesn't think meeting up with his best friend will change that. Pi will know there's something bothering him; Jin has no plans to tell him anything. He knows what Kame's like, too - playing the Akira to Kame's Shuuji must've been an eye-opening experience.

Jin regretfully declines. One more mail to write. Uncertain, he goes for the polite, neutral approach.

 _How's filming today?_ he asks.

He figures Kame will still be busy for a while, so it surprises him when he gets a response two minutes later.

 _Not great. I managed to trip over a cable and crash into Nishikawa's desk. I'm lucky I didn't give myself a concussion._

At least Jin's not the only one having a clumsy day. _Are you all right?_

 _It only bled a little bit. Good thing my hair's dark enough to hide it at the moment._ Typical Kame, never admitting when he's hurt.

 _You're still on the set?_ Jin asks.

 _Sort of,_ Kame writes back. _I'm lying down on a bench in the dressing room, waiting for the painkillers to kick in so I can finish this scene without keeling over._

Jin sighs. One day Kame's going to work himself to death, and no one will be surprised. _Go to hospital,_ he writes. _Get yourself checked out._

 _I've been checked out. I'll be fine. I'm not even dizzy anymore._

It's not so difficult to talk to Kame like this, when Jin can stop to think about everything he writes. No need to fake his concern; no need to think about himself, or the two of them together, because Kame's given him something else to worry about. It's a lot easier than trying to talk to him in person.

Which is why Jin wonders if perhaps _he's_ the one who's taken a blow to the head when he offers to pick Kame up from the set when he's done.

\-----

This is worse than the time he backflipped off the stage, Kame thinks. At least then there wasn't any video footage of him lying stunned on the ground. The painkillers aren't doing much to dull the pounding in his head; he's felt worse, but not normally when he's trying to remember lines.

He struggles through another ten minutes until the director commends him for his effort and tells him to go home and rest. Apparently, no one wants a leading actor who looks like he's about to throw up on the rest of the cast.

The head injury doesn't have anything to do with that - Kame's felt sick all day, it's only now that he has a more socially acceptable reason for it than "terrorising one's boyfriend with roleplay".

After giving up on sleep he'd sent Jin an apologetic mail first thing in the morning - then promptly apologised for his apology, because he was supposed to wait for Jin to contact him. Since he hadn't received a response, he'd assumed Jin was either busy or not speaking to him, but with no way to tell he'd spent the day letting it eat away at his insides.

And now Jin's coming to pick him up. This is going to be one awkward ride home.

Kame wraps himself up warm (minus his hat, mindful of the tender patch under his hair) and waits outside with one of the ADs, who appears to have been tasked with ensuring he doesn't fall over on the way. He tries to talk to her for a bit, because she's nice and has done nothing to merit the silent treatment, but all his attempts at conversation fall flat and it's actually a relief when Jin's car comes into sight.

He hurries across the lot before the AD can see exactly who it is that's come to pick him up. The front passenger door is locked when he tries it; he sees Jin mouth an apology through the window and has another go. This time he succeeds and slips carefully inside, not moving too fast. The way his day's going, he'd end up passed out on the concrete.

It's hard to tell in the car's light but Jin's colour looks better than last night, at least, even if he doesn't seem any happier. Kame doesn't expect him to, not after that. Definitely no more roleplay.

He'd tried to channel it, what he'd realised about Kage and Nishikawa - made Kage a little more sympathetic, made Nishikawa a little hungrier. And then he'd tripped over the cable and that had pretty much put an end to his acting for the day. He's himself now, but will Jin believe that?

Jin looks at him quickly, then drops his eyes to the steering wheel. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm not going to be sick in your car," Kame assures him. "I just need to lie down for a while." He slumps back against the headrest and closes his eyes until the light switches itself off. "Thanks for coming to pick me up."

"Sure. Is your car here?"

"Got a lift this morning."

"Good. Well...okay..." Jin hems and haws for a moment. "Are you sure you don't want to go to hospital?"

"I didn't connect that hard - I hit the leg of the desk, not the surface, and I managed to get my hands out in time. The only reason I even bled was the ridiculous curlicue on the side. I've got a headache but it's not that bad, really."

"You'd probably say that about death," Jin grumbles. "'It's not that bad, really!'"

"I'll tell you when it happens. Since it's not about to happen any time soon, no hospital, please. Just home." Between last night and today, Kame's exhausted, and would like nothing more than to collapse in his own bed. Maybe this will be okay. Jin's not saying anything; maybe he's okay too. They can just not talk about it, the way they've skimmed over a lot of other serious subjects.

They drive in silence for a while - no music, which is unusual in Jin's car but Kame's relieved not to have to tune out the pounding bass. It's easy to lose track of time on the road; he lets himself fade out with the motion of the car.

When he fades back in they're parked, and Jin's calling his name so softly it's hard to take it seriously as a wake-up attempt.

"Sorry," Kame says, sounding groggy. "I guess I fell asleep."

"You could do with the sleep, but I couldn't get you out the car without waking you, so..." Jin shrugs. "Will you be all right to go up by yourself?"

Of course Jin won't want to go up with him. The car is safe enough, but _things_ might happen in Kame's apartment. "Yeah." Kame rubs his eyes. "Just give me a second. Thanks for the ride."

Jin nods and kills the engine while he waits for Kame to pull himself together and go. The second turns into a minute. The minute turns into five.

"Um...do you need me to help?"

Jin's halting offer, though most welcome, is unnecessary. Kame can manage the short journey from the car, he thinks, but he wants to see what happens if Jin thinks he can't. He keeps silent; with a nervous lick of his lips, Jin reaches over to tap Kame's arm.

"Kame?"

Kame doesn't want to start off with yet another apology. Jin already knows he's sorry. "It won't happen again," he says.

"Just watch where you're going next time. Everyone has their clumsy days."

"Not the desk." He starts to shake his head, then regrets it when the movement makes the world swim. "I meant...uh...with the characters. Last night," he adds, just in case Jin somehow thinks he's referring to a different bout of madness. "I shouldn't have involved you in that. It was...thoughtless of me."

"And I stayed," Jin says. "What are you apologising for?"

"Why, though?" This is what Kame doesn't understand. "Why did you stay? And don't tell me it was for the sex. I know blindfolds aren't your thing."

"And I know they're not yours, either." Jin unbuckles his seatbelt so he can turn sideways slightly to talk without choking himself. "That's why, Kame. You weren't...you weren't yourself. I couldn't have left you alone like that."

Despite the pain in his head, Kame smiles. "You're not my keeper."

"And you're not mine. I don't need you to baby me. It was my choice to stay - do you get that?"

Sometimes, when Jin hides his giggles behind his hands, or shrieks and runs away from a touch on his collarbone, it's hard for Kame to remember he's an adult too - older than Kame, in fact, and with many of the same experiences under his belt, the ones that make you grow up fast because if you don't, the entertainment industry will eat you alive and come back to snatch your best friend for dessert. Theirs is a business that knows how to keep you looking young while you age on the inside, become smooth and professional - or jaded and empty. Kame's seen it happen, had thought it was happening to Jin for a long while, till Jin's smile had finally come back for good.

Jin's not smiling now, yet Kame thinks he seems happier, less unsettled. It probably helps that Kame hasn't tried to blindfold him in his own car.

"Yeah. I get that. I mean, it's not like I chained you to the bed or anything-"

"Which you will never, _ever_ do."

"-Which I will never do," Kame finishes, completely straight-faced. "Chains are too painful; I'd use silk scarves."

"You!" Jin whacks him in the ribs, then claps a hand to his mouth in horror. "Sorry, sorry. I shouldn't hit an injured man."

"It's only my head," Kame says. "Not that this means you're allowed to hit me anywhere else." They don't have that kind of relationship...but then, they don't have the kind of relationship that involves blindfolds or roleplay either. Kame has yet to figure out what they have, but it's complicated, frustrating, and one of the best things about his life.

"So how is your head, now?" Jin's not talking about the unfortunate encounter with the desk.

"Clear." Not as empty as Kame would like, sometimes, but clear. "You do realise that wasn't me...uh...being like my character, right? I don't have these other personalities inside me."

"You've got so much of your own you wouldn't have room for another one," Jin says. Maybe it's silly for Kame to have to say it outright, but Jin sounds relieved anyway. "Please tell me you've got such a good grasp on these characters now that you'll never even have to think about them off the set again."

Kame grins. "Not many episodes left to film; they're almost out of my mind now." They both know it's a lie, that he'll be thinking about the roles until the cameras finally stop rolling. "I told you to go; I should've made sure you listened."

"Since when have I ever done as I'm told?"

Good point. "Maybe if I ask Takki to tell you..."

"I don't even want to know how that conversation would go!"

"That makes two of us." Kame pauses, then adds, "And it really is two of us. No one else."

Jin scratches his neck, burying his fingers inside the collar of his puffer jacket. "You're scary intense when you get into character, you know that?"

"That's the idea. But I'm sorry I-" Kame takes one look at Jin's face and decides to strike the word 'sorry' from his vocabulary. "I didn't plan to freak you out."

"So I assumed, or you'd be making your way home in a taxi right now and I'd be deleting your number from my phone."

"You never delete anything from your phone except by accident," Kame says. "You just buy new phones and tell everyone to send you their numbers."

"It's a good way to find out who actually wants to be my friend. The people who aren't speaking to me anymore don't bother to keep in contact."

"Would you even notice? You've got so many friends."

"I notice." Jin meets Kame's eyes with a smile. "I'm bad with strangers, so I turn them all into friends as soon as I can."

"Sometimes more," Kame adds.

"Sometimes more."

"So how's that working out for you?"

"Pretty well," Jin says, pretending it's a serious question. "I'm seeing this great guy who's good at almost everything as long as it doesn't involve drawing, and he's going to act everyone else off the screen because he's so into his work, and-"

"And I'm seeing this amazing person who doesn't let others define him, who has a vision he's working hard on sharing with the world, and who I really should learn to appreciate more." It's not often Kame can out-do Jin in the sappy stakes, as he learned after their first viewing of _Titanic_ , but he's trying. "I should learn to trust him more too."

"Yeah, you should. Kame, I know you're no good at telling anyone when you're stressed out, but you can do something about that. Don't kill yourself for work. Your fans will cry."

"My family and friends might not be too thrilled either," Kame says. "They've kind of gotten used to having me around."

"So have I," Jin says. "Even if you can be sort of weird sometimes."

"Coming from you, I'll take that as a compliment."

When Jin starts laughing, Kame tells him about the rest of his day, how he'd accidentally started saying his lines as Kage rather than Nishikawa because he'd been in such a daze, and ended up spilling Meisa's tea all over the floor. Tripping over the cable had been the last in a long line of misadventures.

Jin returns the favour by regaling him with tales of banks, supermarkets and recording studios, none of them with a happy ending. "And don't start apologising again; I can see it in your eyes."

"I don't feel quite so ridiculous now," Kame says. "Did you really try to pay for your shopping with dollar bills?"

"It wouldn't have been enough, anyway," Jin says sadly. "The exchange rate's horrible."

Jin's no stranger to bad days but Kame knows this one was _his_ fault, which does nothing to ease his guilt. He can't apologise again, though, and settles for saying, "I hope you have a better day tomorrow."

"I hope for that for both of us, or we'll be riding in an ambulance by the end of it." Jin jangles his keys. They've been sitting in the car for a while now. "It wasn't...I mean, I was okay. You didn't do anything that's going to traumatise me for life; I just...had a lot on my mind."

"So we're..." It's a delicate question. Kame doesn't know how to ask it without sounding like a high school girl, so he blurts it straight out. Jin appreciates frankness. "Things are okay between us?"

"We've just spent half an hour sitting outside your building, talking about our lousy days and how you're not insane and I'm not three years old. You'll note I didn't drop you on your doorstep and drive off in tears. Yeah, I think we're okay." Jin reaches between them to unfasten Kame's seatbelt. "Come on, I'll take you up."

Jin doesn't stay. Kame doesn't ask him to. One of the important things is that Jin says he's not staying because Kame needs to rest, not because he's afraid Kame will flip out on him. The other important thing is that Kame believes him.


End file.
